When you were little and you got sick I could hold you all day long.
I could sing to you, and rock you, and pat your bottom until you fell to sleep.
I could take you in the shower with me, and hold you in the steam, or keep you warm as the cool water took your fevers down.
I could protect you from as much of the sickness as I could.
But now that you are older, you aren’t as willing to accept my help. You, my love, are the most strong-willed, and stubborn little sick toddler I know.
You play until you physically can’t and then you try to play some more.
You fight sleep, you push the cool compress of your forehead.
You don’t want to stay in our bed, and you don’t want to be out of it.
You asked for your daddy, and wanted your mommy.
You asked for your mommy, and wanted your daddy.
You asked to go home, but you were sitting in our bed in our home.
Your little feelings get hurt when plans get canceled, I couldn’t even look at you as you cried to me about wanting to go to Kidville Camp today.
You’re are not even three years old yet, and watching you learn the reality of reaching your limits is heartbreaking for a mother to see.
I can’t seem to comfort you the way I used to, and it hurts to watch you struggle through an illness.
I know as the years pass you will want me less and less and need me more and more. At least that is how I feel about needing my mother when I am sick.
I see glimpses of you on a daily basis and know that that is what my 16 year old son will look at one day.
But today, today you are still my almost three year old baby.
And as the fever hits a high point, you reach out to me, and ask me to snuggle you.
You tell me you are home when I lift you in my arms and rock you in a chair that your legs dangle off the sides instead of fitting so neatly inside.
And I cry knowing that this moment right here is another moment that you just grew up in front of my eyes, and cherish the moments of knowing that today mommy can still make you feel better at least for another day.
*Dear Squishy is my version of (a less than) Wordless Wednesday where each week I write a letter to my son.
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