Breastfeeding Deacon: Our 17 Month Struggle & Sudden Weaning

Disclaimer: I hate that I feel the need to put this here, but I do, so I will.  This is MY story and journey through breastfeeding my second child.  Seeing as baby D is still pretty non-verbal I can’t really get his side of the story, but I’m sure he’d say he liked the comfort and nourishment of my milk until he was ready to be done.

I truly am so happy to have gone as long as we did, but I’m struggling with some mild depression having weaned so suddenly. While our road was a difficult one, I wouldn’t trade one sleepless night, the cracked nipples, the tears of frustration for anything. If given the chance to do this all over again knowing I couldn’t change anything I’d still be 100%  all in. There were so many amazing moments, peaceful moments, and prideful moments – all of which I will hold in my heart forever.  

I can’t change how I feel about our breastfeeding journey and I wanted to share my feelings because I found very little about the hardship of breastfeeding and the emotions behind that. Before breastfeeding my second son I would NEVER judge any mom for how they chose to feed their child. I believe that yes, nutritionally breastmilk is best for baby, but it’s not always possible.  When my son was born 17 months ago I had no idea how much he was going to teach me about breastfeeding, both the good and the bad.  This is MY story.  It’s taken me almost a month to write it.  Also it’s long, but I didn’t want to break it up into 2-3 parts.  So here it all is – the good and the bad.

The ending…

"Breastfeeding" "Breastfeeding in Public" "Sudden Weaning"This is the last photo I took breastfeeding. It was take on our trip to Baby D’s food trials. I’m so glad I took this and other pictures to look back on.

On May 6th, 2014, Baby D and I ended our 17 month run with breastfeeding. Well, at least that was the last day I offered him milk.  For the few weeks prior to that day Baby D went on a nursing strike that turned into a sudden weaning.  When we got back from Denver, Baby D suddenly had very little interest in nursing.  He went from nursing 3-5 times a day to nothing.  If he asked for it (as he often did by signing “milk” and “please” and tapping on my chest, I’d offer it to him and he wouldn’t do anything.  Or he’d look up and laugh at me with his mouth around my breast as if to say “Oh mom! You’re silly!!”  If he didn’t ask and I’d offer at the times he was normally nursing he’d get upset.  He’d cry.  He’d ask for his “baba”.  He even went as far as to hit me and pull down my shirt.

I was at a loss.  I know my supply was good at this point, because we worked very hard to get it back up to a good level.  And yet he still didn’t want it.  It wasn’t teething, he wasn’t sick.  I took to googling and found suggestions like “maybe he got hurt while nursing and is associating the two”.  That wasn’t us, and there was nothing else out there to explain to me why this was happening…

I could pump, and I did many times, but pumping even at the best of times never yielded me anywhere close to the amount he could get on his own.  I’d pump, power pump, and pump some more only to get 1 bottle of milk for him daily. I had to weigh the benefit vs the time spent and stress of it all.  Pumping and I were done.  After all I’d spent 5+ months attached to my pump and really couldn’t imagine doing that anymore.

And still I offered.  And still Baby D denied, sometimes he’d nurse for a tiny little bit, but mostly he’d just refuse.  So after nearly 17 months of nursing my baby (12 months of which were exclusively nursing due to his FPIES and no safe foods), instead of feeling damn proud over what I’ve accomplished, I am crushed.  I have cried over the end of this nursing journey every night since it ended.  I’m the mom/friend who has always told other moms that how you feed your baby doesn’t define what kind of parent you are going to be. You are good enough, and did an amazing job no matter how long you breastfeed your babies, but here I was crying over our journey ending suddenly and way earlier than I’d hoped and planned for.

What’s crazier is that I spent many of the 17 months of nursing my baby troubleshooting issues and sometimes silently wishing I didn’t have to do it anymore.

The beginning…

Breastfeeding My BabyI love this picture. The color, the texture, his rubberband wrists…

I always knew I would breastfeed my children if I could.  I breastfed my first son for 16.5 months until he self weaned. We had a very rough beginning to our nursing journey, but once we got past that it was mostly a breeze.  Mostly if anything I struggled with being comfortable nursing in public and with a very easily distracted baby.  When I nursed K for the last time I knew it was the end and I was sad to be done, but mostly moved on quickly after he weaned.

When we got pregnant with Baby D I would joke to my husband that maybe this baby would be an amazing breastfeeder. With my first I envied the moms that seemed to so effortlessly pop baby on the the breast and feed whenever/wherever.  After D was born I thought for sure I’d gotten that.  We got to nurse right away after a successful VBAC and I didn’t notice the shallow latch that my first son struggled with, but a few days after he was born our nurse did.

Turns out my newborn son had shallow latch that was caused by a lip tie that no one local was able to do anything about to help me correct.  Our pediatric dentist (I’ve since switched and found one who could have helped me in the beginning) told me that he could clip it, but only under general anesthesia which I was uncomfortable with doing at a mere 6 weeks of age.  So instead I spent so many sleepless nights, latching and unlatching my baby so he could get a better/less painful latch.  I’m not sure truthfully if I just got used to the shallow latch or if he got better – although I suspect the first to be true.

At 3 months old my son started to spit up a lot. At 4 months he developed eczema.  My son always had mucous in his diapers, and often times the diapers were very green and gross. The three combined led my pediatrician to believe that he was not tolerating dairy very well.  Once I cut out dairy he stopped spitting and his rash went away – the mucous didn’t fully go away though.

Around this time my son’s night time wakings started to get more frequent.  My happy baby would scream and scream at night. He was not easily comforted.  For a while we thought it might be night terrors, but at 6 months of age my pedi thought it may be due to hunger and insisted I start solid food.  (I was waiting until he could sit unassisted on his own, but didn’t mind trying especially if it helped my son feel and sleep better.)

Nighttime breastfeedingSo many late night feeds…

Where it got complicated…

At 6 months old we started solids. It was clear very quickly that something was wrong with my son.  After a few hours of ingesting each food he’d vomit until he was lethargic. The last time his lips turned blue. I knew somehow all my son’s symptoms we related, but I had no clue how.  Turns out he had FPIES.  Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome is a rare form of food allergy. (If you want to read our FPIES story -start here.)  We were instructed to stop foods and rest his gut.  He was 9 months when we got the official diagnosis.  I was supposed to do no foods, but just breastmilk until our 12 month check-in.

Suddenly I was mad and scared, and resentful. (<— yes that one still hurts to type, but it’s really how I was feeling).  Wasn’t breastfeeding supposed to euphoric and awesome?  Sure I’d had moments of that, but really it had been one issue after another.  I’d put my head down and pushed through.  At this point my son was waking 8-12 times a night screaming, nursing, and screaming again before going back to sleep. I was SO tired. I dreamed of being able to just make a bottle and let someone else feed my baby, but suddenly even that wasn’t a possibility.  Everything my son had ingested other than breastmilk made him deathly ill.  He was solely depending on me for his nutrition and while sometimes it felt like I had a secret superpower that no one else had, it also felt like I was trapped.

At 5 months of age, my son started refusing a bottle.  So even if I could pump he wouldn’t take a bottle.  I tried SO hard to get him to take a bottle so I didn’t always have to breastfeed him, but for months he refused.  I felt like a total asshole (excuse my language here, but really there is no other word) mom for wishing for more than 1-2 hours straight sleep.

When my son was 10 months old I traveled to Los Angeles for the Babywearing World Record.  There I met Abby, The Bad Ass Breastfeeder.  I stopped and waited to say hi to her. I wanted simply to thank her for creating a community for moms who were breastfeeding to have a place where they didn’t feel alone and could get support.  Instead I ended up doing an ugly cry and telling her my story and my son’s FPIES diagnosis and how I was feeling trapped under it.  It was the first time I acknowledged to anyone and maybe even myself that I was struggling with breastfeeding.  Not because I couldn’t do it, but because I was feeling so much pressure to do it help keep my son healthy until his body was ready to trial food. I cried, and I cried ugly.

Breastfeeding in bedOne of my favorite breastfeeding pictures take at the hotel I stayed in for MommyCon LA.

The truth here is I think maybe it was not only the weight of admitting my fear and frustration, but also it was the first time in public I spoke about his diagnosis.  The weight of everything came out in my tears.  Abby was great.  She told me that breastfeeding is amazing, but it certainly isn’t only sunshine and rainbows.  It’s work, time, and darn exhausting. I felt so relieved to tell someone what I’d kept locked away inside for fear of sounding like a hater, and yet I didn’t share this again in full detail. Looking back I wish I would have written about my feelings toward breastfeeding at this point. I had heard other mothers mentioned that they didn’t love breastfeeding.  Now I finally understood what they meant… except in addition to the relief I felt sharing my fears and frustrations, I now felt shame for being one of those moms.  So instead of writing about it, I buried myself in our everyday and tried to live in the happy moments of breastfeeding my son and it worked. I fell in love with breastfeeding again.  I nursed and nursed and nursed baby D. Morning, day, and so so many times at night. The only thing that was concerning to me at this point was if baby D was getting enough breastmilk.  I was worried while my supply wasn’t bad that I was simply not satisfying his hunger needs…

Then it hit the fan…

When my son turned 12 months we had a follow up with our allergist.  I had noticed my son hadn’t put on much weight, and I’d actually talked with my husband about what we would do if the doctor suggested trying formula, but I was fully and completely unprepared for what happened that day in his office.

When we put D on the scale we learned that he’d lost nearly 3 lbs since the last time we were in the office 3 months prior. He’d fallen from the 87% of the growth chart to the 12%. He hadn’t grown any in length either. The words Failure To Thrive, and G Tube were thrown around. Baby D would need to start a special amino acid based formula that would help him with his calories. If he didn’t gain enough weight in two weeks we would have to strongly consider a G Tube where he’d be administered formula through his belly. I cried and cried. I felt like a full on failure. I’d been so upset over the pressure to be my son’s sole source of nutrition, and now I was upset that I wasn’t enough.

We luckily FINALLY had success with getting D to take a bottle so introducing formula wasn’t so hard.  Baby D took to the formula very well.  So well that for the first few weeks he didn’t want to breastfeed much.  I decided that I would start pumping full time in addition to offering baby D milk via breastfeeding.  After 2 weeks of being on formula we found out that D still wasn’t gaining.  Since he was drinking the bottle well enough the doctors simply increased the amount of formula in his bottles.  My supply dropped due to his refusal to nurse and I suddenly found crazy respect for all the moms who are full time pumpers.  Pumping is SO time consuming and not nearly as efficient as baby.  Eventually we settled into a good pattern and my supply rebounded.  Baby D took 2-3 bottles a day.  2 formula and 1 breastmilk.  He also nursed between 3-5 times a day. He gained 2 pounds that third week.  We wouldn’t be needing a G Tube.

My emotions were crazy during this time. I was scared that he began to refuse nursing. I was scared about my supply dropping, and one night I started sobbing to my husband because he mentioned that the baby smelled weird.  Breastfed babies smell sweet and heavenly.  The formula we were on smelled awful.  Like cat food.  I used to spend hours sniffing my son’s sweet scent, and suddenly it was gone and replaced by the smell of bad cat food.  Over the few weeks he started to nurse more, and we got used to the formula smell, but I still to this day miss the scent that he carried for 12 months.

Breastfeeding for comfortNursing for comfort after one of many blood draws.

Once my son started to gain weight he also began to sleep more. First 3 hours, then 5 hours, and then for a little while through the night. I felt completely renewed. I spent that first year in such a state of sleep deprivation, it’s truly a wonder I remember much of it at all.

I went on to pump until D turned 16 months. I felt like I had enough of a supply stashed away and I felt comfortable with the number of times D was nursing throughout the day.  As we approached his food trials in Denver I was feeling very happy with our breastfeeding arrangements. I had no idea how we went from that to done in less than a month.  I still don’t understand it, but it happened.

Perhaps it was because while he was having his food trials done I often had to tell him no when he asked to nurse so that he would be hungry enough to consume whatever we were trialing.  Food trials lasted 2 weeks, but we spent 3 weeks in Denver due to baby’s first big illness.  I suppose his weaning also could have started when he got sick.  He was so stuffy and congested he could barely nurse. Once he got better and was nursing more, I had to tell him no during the day and his trials.  I hate thinking that is what led to the end.  Food Trials were supposed to bring good news, and while they did that, they also ended up being SUPER frustrating.  We learned there that D had some texture/oral aversions.  Really he can’t eat much of anything without gagging.

The Irony?

Had I known, or thought in anyway shape or form that our food trials would contribute to D weaning I would have postponed them longer.  A few months earlier, at 10 months the pressure of being his only source of nutrition was overwhelming, and now I’d do anything to have prevented him from weaning… I planned to make it to 18 months.  With his FPIES I prayed we’d have nursing until he got more safe foods and through some of his oral aversions.  My real goal had been two years. I missed that by 7 months.

So that’s it. We got back from Denver and D stopped wanting to nurse.  Maybe it was just his time and on his own terms, but I can’t stop thinking about how sudden it was. I’ve cried every night since he stopped. My body feels like it has been in one gigantic state of PMS since then.  I’m moody, and crawling in my own skin.  I feel guilty for the resentment I felt for so many months, and would do anything to get it back.  And yet in my “right mind” I know that I have NOTHING to feel guilty for.  17 months isn’t a drop in the bucket. 17 months is good. I’ve spent the past few years championing other moms for their efforts whether short or long, and I can’t take my own advice.  I don’t feel like a good mom, I feel sad.  I feel like I failed. I feel like I should have done more, but I know I didn’t have any more to give so why am I still crying.

Today D asked me to nurse while we were at a birthday party for my older son’s friend. I knew if I gave D what he was asking for he wouldn’t have really wanted it.  I know because every other time he’s asked, he won’t nurse and it’s like a knife in my breasts. Instead I told him no, and gave him a kiss and a hug.  I held him close and played with his hair. I told him I love him and he smiled and moved on.

I hope I can smile and move on soon too.

I thought after nursing my first I was a pro at breastfeeding.  Baby D taught me so much. He showed me that no matter how much you’ve done something you can always learn more.  Because of him I’ve been a breastfeeding mom, a pumping mom, and a formula mom. I learned have so much respect for all moms no matter how they choose to feed their babies…. Because let me tell you, they are all hard.

With baby D I’ve been told breastfeeding is gross and I should think about feeding him in a bathroom.  I gained so much more confidence when it came to nursing in public. I had turned down many opportunities so I could stay home and breastfeed or because I was on a pumping schedule. With pumping I learned the true meaning of multitasking. I wrestled my own formula demons and faced many a mom who though they knew better than me because they see a bottle in my son’s hands.  I was told that I was poisoning my son and was even sent a list of ingredients in his formula (because apparently I couldn’t read it on my own) to show me just how gross it was. I’ve walked a mile in shoes I had no idea I’d be wearing when my second son was born, and while I’m still trying to find peace at the end of our road, I have so much respect and admiration for all the moms who have worn those shoes before me.

Breastfeeding on a trainBreastfeeding on a Train!
Side Story:After I shared this picture on my social media pages, I got an email from a reader saying that she was inspired to breastfeed in public while out with her toddler and new baby. She said she’d never done it before and it felt totally normal to do it. That email still means so much to me
.

In the 17 months I breastfed my son, I loved it, hated it, resented it, was grateful for it, enjoyed it, was empowered by it, and wouldn’t trade a single day of it.  Breastfeeding is a journey and no matter how long you are on that road, it will be amazing, and it will be hard, it will always be worth it.  I can’t wait to do it all again with our next child.

I wanted to share my story, and our sudden weaning to let other moms know that they aren’t alone if breastfeeding doesn’t always make you feel euphoric.  If there are times you hate it.  If you wished it was over already.  If your child like mine suddenly weans for no other reason than they are done.  Sudden weanings do happen.  It’s not your fault, and it’s okay to be sad about it.  If I can’t find a way to get out of the mild depression this sudden weaning has brought over me, I will ask for help.  For now, I’m trying to focus on the positive and accept that it’s okay to be sad.

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Comments

  1. I think all breastfeeding mothers feel all the feelings you describe in your blog. I know I certainly have with both of my babies. Thankfully with my first we weaned slowly. With my second we’re dealing with food issues too, not as intense as yours though, and it’s rough being the only source of nutrition.
    I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice, just wanted to say you’ve explained it in a beautiful way. There are a million emotions that go into every breastfeeding relationship-as well as parenting in general, and it’s nice to see someone admit it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. ;)

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  2. I had no idea you went through all of this! I would have been shocked with that big weight loss way back when too. You were amazing in how you handled it all. Sharing your story is a beautiful thing!

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  3. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says:

    Wow, I can’t believe you went through all that. I never breastfed either of my boys, so I can’t really relate as much as some of the other moms, but I think in the end what it all comes down to is that we just want to make sure our babies are well taken care of.

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  4. Ugh I dreaded my last baby weaning. But they do and life moves forward. WE just have to put a smile on our face and move forward with them. My first I had a hard time with but my second was a champ.

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  5. I am so sorry your breastfeeding journey was such a struggle. I had to stop breastfeeding my son at two weeks because I literally wasn’t lactating. We alternated latching and pumping and even after pumping every other hour, I was producing less than half an ounce of breast milk within a twenty four hour period. I felt like such a failure, I couldn’t even nourish my own child. When they threatened a total blood transfusion, because his bilirubin kept climbing and he couldn’t go under the bili lights, I knew I had to give up my dream of nursing him and give him the bottle. I felt like the breast pump was mocking me every time I looked at it. It was some of the hardest times of my life. Thanks for sharing your story!

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    Emily Reply:

    Oh Virginia, I can’t even imagine how frustrating that was. That is the thing about parenting isn’t it. You can have the best laid intentions, but you never know what life will throw at you. Being able to adjust to those curve balls makes you a great mom. I know you are a wonderful mom to your kids. Thank you for sharing your story with me. XO

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  6. You went through so much and i can not begin to imagine what it was like.Thank you for sharing your story with everyone and i am sure this will help other people that may be going through the same thing.I breast fed all of my kiddies but never outside in public that was to much for me but i think women that do in public are amazing and if and when i have more kids i will make sure i do.

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    Emily Reply:

    The important part about breastfeeding isn’t that you do it in public or not, it’s that your are comfortable doing it. Feeding in a carrier was a huge help for me. Thank you so much for your kind words Kay. You are a great mom!

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  7. I’ve followed along your story from the very beginning. And I know it doesn’t help to hear it from anybody, but you did an amazing job! You picked up on something that nobody else picked up on and you got him testing to get him healthy and growing!

    I think if I had to pick, it’s much harder on mom when they quit on us, but much easier on them. I remember how much happier my second daughter was when I stopped trying to nurse her (she was only 8 months old, but going to daycare and got bottles so I think she grew frustrated with me).

    Big cyber hugs to you! And if you are down, don’t forget to talk to somebody about it. It can help a ton!

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    Emily Reply:

    Krystyn, you are probably right. I haven’t experience the other side of weaning, but I know many moms who have and it’s so frustrating for them. I’m glad he did it on his own terms. Thank you so much for your kind words. You always have a nice thing and encouraging word. I really appreciate that. I’m doing better now. Writing and sharing this has helped. Xo

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  8. I completely understand the struggle when you stopped nursing. It was sad for me as well when I stopped with my youngest child. You are not alone.

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  9. This is a beautiful story and you are an incredibly strong woman. You have a gorgeous son!

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  10. WOW! What an inspirational account of breast feeding. To be honest, I don’t have children, and when we do start, I could use posts like this to get me through questions. Breast feeding, how long, public/private is such a controversy. Either your not private enough, or you do or don’t leave your child on it long enough. It seems like when you are ARE at this stage, every lady wants to give her opinion of what you should or shouldn’t do. When it comes to this, I certainly respect each mothers right to choose what is best for her child and herself. You sound like an excellent mom. Thank you for taking the time writing this out. I am going to share it! Hopefully so many other moms will be inspired like I was..

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    Emily Reply:

    Meranda! Thank you so much. I appreciate your words. The fact that you are open and wanting to read posts like this and any information you can tells me you will be a wonderful mom one day!! The fact that you don’t judge makes you a wonderful friend to those around you. Xo!

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  11. What a journey! Thanks for sharing your experience.

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  12. What an ordeal. I’m glad that you are able to focus on the good memories shared and grow the bond you have with each other.

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  13. Breast feeding is one of the most wonderful
    Things I’ve ever experienced. It’s also the worst. And hardest. And nothing prepares you. Thank you for sharing. <3

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    Emily Reply:

    Well said Brett! Thank you.

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  14. Ironically, I’m reading this after our 6 month’s night feeding (#1). It’s amazing how easy breastfeeding seems from the outside…..until you have a child of your own. I’m a teacher, so pumped during the school year –many, many , many times a day. Your story is amazing, and I am so impressed with your honesty!

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    Emily Reply:

    Thank you Carly. I miss those night feedings. The midnight feeding was always my favorite. So peaceful and calm. Just us. You are doing a great job!

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  15. Oh boy, you totally have me crying here. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You’re really so amazing and strong for all you went through and wow, 17 months is awesome. He’s really so lucky to have you. I hear ya on the sleep deprivation – I can’t remember the last time I slept more than a few hours at a time because of nursing all night long. Of course our struggle has to do with my son’s delay with eating solids and drinking anything but from the breast and working through it w/therapy – but I have a feeling he will be weaning within the next few months and it saddens me so so much. I sat here reading and crying just imagining it being me soon. ((hugs))

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  16. I will never understand why some people feel breastfeeding in public is gross. It’s a perfectly natural thing!

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    Emily Reply:

    Me neither. I will also never understand why moms make formula feeding moms feel less than. Thank you Jenn!

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  17. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful thing. It’s been a very long time for me, but my daughter was pretty easy sailing while my son was a challenge

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  18. Wow, you went through so much. Thanks for sharing your story and advice.

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  19. Scary to think about what you guys have gone through. But making it so long breastfeeding is an accomplishment!

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  20. I am sharing your post with a friend that is having her 1st baby – she plans to breast feed.

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    Emily Reply:

    Thank you Debbie. I hope she likes it.

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  21. What an incredible journey the two of you have been on. You know that, right? What you did for him was amazing and while you may have been on an emotional roller coaster.. look at him. He’s beautiful, happy and healthy.

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    Emily Reply:

    Thank you Trisha! He’s pretty awesome. I’d do it all over again, and look forward to making different memories. Your kind words mean the world.

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  22. I’ve learned that lesson too, that no matter how many times you’ve done something there is often still a lesson to be learned. I love that first picture, it looks like he’s looking at the camera for the pic. too. :)

    Thanks for sharing this really great write up!

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    Emily Reply:

    Thank you Rosey. I love that picture too. He’s all like – Mom – why are you taking a picture of me! LOL!

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  23. I can’t necessarily relate to this experience as I didn’t breast feed but I can totally relate to the difficulty in going through a transition that is hard for both parent and child. You did good momma and I hope you can realize that in your bad moments as well as your good.

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  24. Lisa Collins says:

    I beat myself up for a while when I had to stop breastfeeding my twins after 4 months. I now know I did the best I could, but it took some time for me to get to that point. Thanks for sharing this story!

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  25. My youngest had open heart surgery at around 4 months. After the surgery, she had to eat a special diet that did not include my milk. I remember feeling devastated….I was not ready for that (or the whole surgery thing for that matter). Thanks for sharing your story.

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    Emily Reply:

    Stacie that must have been scary and heart-wrenching. Thank you for sharing it with me. How is your youngest now?

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  26. 17 months, that is a long journey but I can imagine the sadness that comes with baby now not needing you “as much” … but then a day will come when they need you even more again. I breastfeed my first and last born until they weaned on their own; 9 mos and 11 mos. That is when they chose to stop :( My middle child was way too demanding and I gave up nursing after only 8 weeks, he was a very hungry baby who went on to eat about 16oz of formula each night before he would stop being grumpy/crying/angry (hence why I stopped nursing). I am so glad you have the pictures for memories and it really stinks that you felt you had to put that disclosure at the top, we all need to just support each other and BE HAPPY for each other <3

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  27. I remember countless times sitting in the passenger seat and nursing my little ones in parking lots. I always waved at people passing me!

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  28. The nursing struggle! On one hand I couldn’t wait for it to be over on the other I never wanted it to end. I actually miss it. Not enough to have another baby though. :)

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  29. Debbi Wood says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. Even though my daughter doesn’t have food problems I know all too well how it feels when they wean suddenly. My daughter abruptly stopped nursing at 18.5 months when she had a bad cold. I pumped for a couple weeks until I realized she was never going to nurse again. I found out a few weeks later I became pregnant right when she stopped which made me feel a little better. I can’t wait to start nursing again in three months or so!

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  30. These are such amazing pictures. They make me wish I had taken more when I was nursing. I nursed my first child until he was 9 months and my second until he was about 11 months. Very special times indeed. Watching your little one nurse makes me want to have another one! (sort of).

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  31. Great story. I only breast fed my second child, Justin. It was such a different closeness I had with him when we left the hospital. I breast fed for three months then let my hubby hep. It was horrible the first week.

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  32. I didn’t breast feed with my girls so I can’t really sympathize with your ordeal. My best friend did breast feed though, and she had so many ups and downs with each one. I remember she would have such a hard time pumping because her breasts would bleed and would get into the pumped milk, so she had to stop, which devastated her.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I think it’s wonderful when mothers put these stories out there for other women to reflect on.

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  33. Emmasmom says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, although it is a story of struggles, it is also a story of inconditional love. I am currently breasfeeting my 8 month old babyand the time when I have to go back to work is approaching (I live in Canada, so I have a year maternity leave) , I totally relate to the feeling of sometimes wishing it was over and feeling sooo traped, but now that I will be going back to work, I am feeling soooo anxious! I cry so much to the thought of only breasfeeding in the morning and at night! I will be pumping so that she continues to dring only breastmilk, but i will for sure miss the moments of closeness with my baby. I hope your baby is doing better with his eating

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    Emily Reply:

    Thank you Paulina. A year maternity leave is amazing – just another thing that rocks about Canada. I know that feeling. You are a wonderful mom, you are doing a great job. Those moments at the start and the end of your day will be precious. Much love and luck as you head back into this journey!!

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  34. Thank you for sharing your story! There were times I loved breastfeeding my kids and times I dreaded it. Now that we don’t know if there will be another baby, I have so many mixed feelings!

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    Emily Reply:

    Amanda, I feel you on that. I know when we come to the decision we won’t be adding more to our family I will be crushed. There is something so amazing about the whole process and being pregnant.

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  35. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey. I did both (breastfed and bottlefed), so I know the ups and downs of each one.

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  36. Thank you for sharing your story. I breastfed my daughter 100% her first year and didn’t totally stop until she was 3. Every mother has to make the best decision for her and her child. It is no once else’s place to judge.

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  37. What a cute post. your baby is addable as well

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  38. I had no idea you went through this with your sweet boy. What you did was right for you and baby and that is what is most important. I am so glad you shared your story!

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  39. I breast fed all of my kids. We each have to do what we need to do for whats right for us!

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  40. I feel ya on this whole thing. I wanted to breastfeed my first. He has a Congenital Heart Defect that prevented him from nursing, so I pumped exclusively for 6 months. It’s because of all my hard work that he grew enough that he didn’t need formula. The hospital’s pediatrician was going to prescribe us high calorie formula before we ever left- then he saw my milk production. With baby #2, we had a really hard time the first month and I sought out an LC. I was physically and mentally exhausted an in complete pain all around. I wanted to give up, but hated myself for feeling that way. We’re now going strong at almost 8 months old and I know I’ll miss it when he does wean.

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  41. Kelly C says:

    Hey Emily! Just read your story. Thank you for sharing it! I hope your feeling better after sharing your story.

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